So I had one of those wonderful "Ah ha!" moments today. It happened when I realized once again that God really does love me and He seriously does have everything covered so I am wasting energy and just making myself sick with worrying about things. How is it that I can never learn? For all the psychology that I have learned it does not explain why it is that I cannot remember to remember all these things that are so obvious. I just have to keep relearning to lean on God to trust Him again and just believe that He has it covered (which He does).
I read this thing once that said the greatest sin we can commit is to believe that God could not love us, could not save us because we are too far gone, too lost, too dirty for Him to save us, that He could not love us because we are just beyond Him. How true is this? I mean think about it.
I think this might be one of the real reasons that people don't believe in God or have run from him. It once again comes down to that age-old sin of selfishness. It really is true, we become so selfish that we do not want to be loved, or at least believe that we cannot be loved; don't deserve to be so loved. Because when you really think about it God loves us SO much it is just ridiculous! There are not words enough to express how much love He has for every one of us. He loves the murderers, the rapists, the victims, the oppressors, those being oppressed, the rich, the poor, the middle class, every skin color, every age, every crime, every sin , every human being on this planet, all that have been all that are, and all that will be, He loves them all more then we could ever fathom! So we run, we get scared in the face of so much love epically when we think on all we have done and how we don't deserve one iota of that love, how there is nothing we could possibly do to deserve it.
Wow. I don't know about you but wow. This is why people can't figure out God. Firstly, He is God, if you could figure Him out, He wouldn't be God anymore. Secondly, we cannot imagine that kind of love, can't wrap out heads around it so we 'don't like it' or something like that. We are logical beings and so it is hard for some to have faith in the illogical. Because really, that's what God is, illogical, because how He loves is beyond logic, why He loves is beyond our knowing. I don't know about you but I have to say I'm pretty grateful for it all.
I might be as forgetful as the next person, and even less holy then that, but I know that He loves me despite all of it and there is nothing I could ever do that could make Him stop loving me. I could curse His name and deny all I know to be true and holy and He would still be waiting there for me always waiting for me to come back. Even now, I am in His loving arms. I can run from Him, push away the arms that would hold me tight. Still He would be there, calling me back.
Oh Lord how I love thee! May Your will be done in all things and may I never get in the way! A thousand thank Yous could not even touch on the debt that I owe to Thee. I am Yours may I never stray from Your loving arms.
Based on most of the entries here one might gather that I am a very depressed selfish person who relished self pity and would like the rest of the world to join that part and pity me too.
My hope is that this entry might help future readers to realize that this is in fact not true.
I am selfish yes and do have many pathetic pity parties that few attend (thankfully), however that is not all of who I am.
I am usually quite pleasant and at times rather yuppie. It is just that I would rather not weigh others down with all my short-term pity and depressing crap so instead I either write in my journal or here, when I remember that it exists. (I also don't want anyone to figure out all that depressed, pity stuff, I rather they think me pleasant or eccentric).
Anyhoo, this is my clarification entry for any who might be wondering what the heck is wrong with this crazy person.
Sorry for the depression and I hope that more entries can be vent happy (though I doubt it) and that you all have a nice day.
No really, have a good one.
And so we go....
My uncle died back in August. The funeral was the first week of September and so my college introduction was not the best one. My last entry doesn’t mention this fact because I was still in repression mode. It’s what I do really. I just repress everything that hurts then run away to my stories whatever they may be and rely on them to help me escape, thus I avoid ever having to deal with any of my problems.
The hard part is the pain I feel for my cousin, we’re really close and to think of losing a father … it just hurts. I want to help her but it seems I’m next to useless when it comes to helping people. There is so much I want to say to show them through my eyes so they can see how beautiful they are how much I love them all so much that I hate to see them hurt because, I feel so helpless since I can do nothing to help.
I just want to scream and cry and pummel things and run so fast that I could just fly away. But I don’t do any of it. I’m a coward who just runs to stories for solace since I am too afraid to just let it go because … I can’t do that. It let it go, to fall apart. What right do I have to any of it? I mean really? I didn’t lose my father, I wasn’t even that close to him as an uncle. I really didn’t know either of my grandpas that well, and was too busy running while they were around to bother myself to get to know them. As for Gizmo, my hamster who was just recently killed by my cat, it was my fault but I know how it looks to so many that I would break down over a hamster but I did. He was just a rodent and most people don’t even think they have souls so really what’s there to grieve? I’m going to swear here so please skip if you would rather not read this (FUCK! Seriously FUCK!, and I don’t mean the action I mean the verbal emotion that is conveyed by the exclamation of this work that just help one feel better because they are so messed up inside that they just need a word that can convey how much it hurts and how far gone they are)
I’m a lazy, selfish, pathetic excuse for a Catholic. I can say all the right things I always have ever since elementary when I decide that maybe God would be my friend since no one else seems to think it a worthwhile idea. It worked too, really I was brilliant I should have won awards for my hypocrisy. Everyone was quite thoroughly convinced that I was seriously that faith filled. It was just an act. I heard nothing, got nothing, was less than most really. I may know more fact then some, but really, what good is that? Doesn’t make me any better than the hypocrites in the bible and even some atheists. Knowing facts does not make one a believer. If anything, facts can get in the way. Even Lewis saw that (read Great Divorce). GHA!
I want my life to have meaning and purpose! I hate feeling as if I’m wasting it away, which is exactly what I am doing. I want to help, make a difference. I want to write and change live, entertain and be brilliant! I want to act, really experience and be another person if only on stage. I want to paint and draw all the things I see inside and out and move people. I want to gallop across vast countryside without worry of stopping. I want to see the world, meet new people, and learn about new cultures. I want to change things, protect them. I want to know the truth! I want to be loved by that one person who was meant to love only me. I want to be able to comfort, to help, to help, to save, to open, to close, to free, to ….live.
So I run to stories, where I can accomplish all this, and none of it at the same time. My life will never be like that. It will not be what I might wish it to be.
Now I’m just being lazy and ungrateful. My life is so much better then so many others, I am just wasting it away! I don’t know what to do! I feel lost and confused and unsure of everything. I’m afraid to act because I don’t know if it is the right thing to do! I’m a mess of uncertainty and I need to ‘get it together’ but I can’t because when you’re in peaces you can’t put yourself back together.
Wow, it really has been a while. Seems like ages really since I started this back in middle school/Jr/ High. A lot has changed since then especially since I am now in college.
Where did my life go?
I miss all my friends so terribly, I'm pretty lazy right now and so the whole friend making process is not really happening so much as I am making many acquaintances, or at least shallow friendships and this truly saddens me. I miss those whom I knew and who knew me. I miss our likeness and that which we shared and enjoyed together without the feeling of strangeness as we were all enjoying that which was, to some, strange. I've not the people here to talk to about the symbolism of life and stories. No one to laugh at those things which we had built memories around. But then again this is that which they call starting over and so one must understand that there is no going back, there never is. I have moved forward and now must make the most of my current situation no matter how lonesome or different it my be. I need to open up and talk to people and find out about then as well as allow them to discover me.
I must go now, it's time for breakfast and I've a busy day ahead of me.
Good morning world.
And so we go.....
So, my Grandpa passed away on Wednesday. There was a tumor the size of a football inside him and the doctors just couldn’t get it all out, that and it had progressed too far already for them to do much. My parents went down to be with my family in Florida. I prayed like mad that week, prayed that he would make it, that God would strengthen him to make it, to get better and recover. All things are possible through God right? We get what we pray for. Everyone down there seemed determined that there was nothing to be done, that he just had to let go and die. WHY? He could have made it! Just give him a chance! Have hope! Pray! My family is not very faith-filled sadly. I talked to my Grandma and when both her and my mom started saying how they just wanted him to let go, I felt so torn. WHY? He could make it! Just give him a chance! Have some faith! But I couldn’t help wondering if I was just being insanely selfish in wishing for him to recover and be healed. Is it really so wrong? I want to be able to see him again, to talk to him, to say how sorry I was for not really getting to know him, so many things … I just did want him to go. Was it selfish of me to beg God for that which is his? I …just … I don’t know. It’s over now, I let go, he is dead. I wasn’t there for any of it, so it really doesn’t feel quite real yet. I only cried maybe once or twice. I wanted to scream at them to have faith in him, in God that He is able to help and heal. But being the coward I am I could never speak those words to them. Was I wrong? Right? I may never know…does it even matter now? Sigh. Rest in peace Grandpa, go and please be with God now.
Amen
A tiring week for everyone yet a bit off balanced for me because of my ski sections on Tuesday, which made me feel that Wednesday was Monday or some sort of thing like that. Two big papers due soon just finished one (English). History is being stupid as usual; our teacher keeps giving us pointless assignments that I don't see actually helping in anyway when the tests start rolling around.
So two of my friends were hit by a city bus the other day, not much fun there because the one friend's car was totaled by it. It has been a bad week for her. The other won't stop talking about how they got hit by a bus, rather ironic because he always jokes about getting hit by one and now he has. Moral of the story watch what you joke about because it might just happen to you.
So it has been ages since I have actually written anything here. They weren't lying when they told us that junior year is the busiest. I have ski almost every night that goes late and then finals this week along with helping a friend with a movie. AHH! it just adds up to a very sleepy me. I need to go to bed I cannot even believe I’m writing this at 8:51 (wow we got back early from ski today). Late start tomorrow though YES! That means me sleeping in, or would have if it were not for said friend's movie editing that has been going on in my basement for the past three days. Oh well, such is life. I need to get some homework done ... and so we go...
Well school is now one eighth over only seven eighths to go.
I don't feel the least bit my grade, though. It's as though even though you get older you just don't feel that you are, except for the whole height thing.
A friend of mine got me into some speed rock and now I’m hooked. You guys should check it out. I really don't have much to say right now, I’m sick. There’s something. Read three it's cool. Well I guess that's enough.
The comic is called Fallen cheak it out!
go to:http://www.fallencomic.com/index.html for the comic and more fun stuff like this!
A beautiful song. Man, I wish American singers could write such poetic lyrics . . .
Shizuka ni sora ni kaeru anata no sugata wo
what else can I do besides avenge you?
Namida ga kareru made zutto mitsumete ita
Your form which returns gently to heaven
What else can I do, besides avenge you?
I watched it for the longest time, until my tears dried up
Afureru kanashimi wa kese nai kizuato ni
Wasure wa shinai to chikatta
And the sorrow overflowing from the scar which can't be erased,
I swore that I would never forget it.
Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase
Subete wo keshsite mise you
Itsu no hi ka owari wo mukaeru
Saigo no kane ga nari yamu made
I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all some day, you'll see,
Until the last bell ringing the dirge completes.
You told me
live as if you were to die tomorrow
feel as if you were to be reborn now
face as if you were to live forever
Furueru yubi de akai namida wo nazotta
I had nothing to lose, nothing truth
Hakanai omoide ga yami ni ochite yuku
Bright red tears traced by a trembling finger,
I had nothing to lose, nothing to lose
It crashes through the dark memories.
Saigo no hohoemi ga ukandewa kieru
Nukumori dake wo nokoshite
The last smile wavered, and disappears,
And the warmth is all that's left.
Yasashii dake no kotoba nara
Ima no bokuha iyase nai
Hateshi naku tsuduku tatakai ni
Kono mi wo subete sasageru dake
Your kind and gentle words can't heal me now,
This body's only dedicated to the never ending fight.
Itsuka wa kono sora ni daremo ga kaeru kara
Wakare no kotoba wa ira nai
Break out!
Because everyone returns to heaven, some day,
You'll never need to say goodbye.
Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase
Subete wo keshite mise you
Itsu no hi ka owari wo mukaeru
Saigo no kane ga nari yamu made
I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all some day, you'll see,
Until the last bell ringing the dirge completes.
Yasashii dake no kotoba nara
Ima no bokuha iyase nai
Hateshi naku tsuduku tatakai ni
Kono mi wo subete sasageru dake
Your kind and gentle words can't heal me now,
This body's only dedicated to the never ending fight.
REDEMPTION...REDEMPTION...
As all these entries start, I was once again thinking the other day (Wonderful isn't it? Thinking I mean.) and I was coming up with all the different types of good guy, bad guy situations that there are. I have, so far come up with about five.
The first, and most commonly known, is Black and white (for the purpose of simplicity we will use colors black=bad white=good). There is a definite bad guy that you are totally rooting against and there is a definite good guy that you want to win because he (for this discussion we will simply just use guys as it is easer that way and their pronouns are shorter) is the good guy. That is just how it works.
There is the second, and more commonly used one today, White and Black. Now I know what you're thinking "that is just he first one switched around", yes I know that but the positions have in fact changed. You see with this one it is the 'good guy' that is the black one and the 'bad guy' who is the white. This gives us our all time favorite anti-hero. He is not perfect, he has flaws (sometimes many) and it is harder for him to save the day as he has two opponents to contend with, his enemy and himself. He is the 'good guy' in black. There is the 'bad guy' in white who usually represents all the things that we might ever want in life (money, land, the whole nine yards) and he might even be seen as a good guy. He hands out some charity to little orphans and helps those under him. But then that character usually gets twisted at some point where the things of this world that we all want so badly finally taint his 'white' and his true colors come out. All the while our poor hero is struggling with himself and weather he has it in him to do what is right instead of simply coping out and quitting.
Next match up is a bit more interesting not to mention heart retching. White on white! This is where both sides (as far as we can tell) are right and just, or at least not all bad. These are the ones that make for good stories. You have the 'hero' you know he is trying to do the right thing and help people out but then you see that the 'villain' is doing the same thing simply in a different way. He isn't all bad. And you're just sitting there going "he's only human and not perfect" and you kind of get why the 'villain' did what he did. It may have seemed right at the time, he was lied to and used, who knows but you know that you really don't what him to die for it because it might have even been something you would have done. A classic case of right vs. right.
The next is something that doesn’t show much except in anime (as far as I have seen at least). Yes, that's right, black on black. The bad guys bad and so is the good. (I need only say the word Hellsing for some to know what I mean) This is where you get a case of choosing the lesser of two evils. The good guy is flawed enough that you can't be totally on his side but the bad guy is as well so you just go for the good for the sake of posterity. (Although I know some people who like those baddies . . .). It can be cool to watch as you're trying to find some hint of good in the characters so as to justify their actions.
The next is one that can be very up setting: grey. Yeah that's right just strait up grey. You don't know who's good and who's bad, heck there isn't even a hue visible. Everything is monotone gray and you are unsure as to what is going on and who is who. The ever popular 'line' is blurred and both sides mesh until you simply label it all bad for the sake of sanity, with the rational that good must be white and what is perfect with out blemish. While black is void. This one upsets us usually because it makes up question our position on the spectrum of life. Are we perfectly good, doubtful. However, we don't exactly go around killing innocent people now do we? So where does that leave us and our 'white' lies? That is for you to decide.
How does one move on? When there is something in your life for so long no matter how small a thing it maybe, it affects you. When it is gone, you notice its absence. A smile no longer there, a feeling that can now only be remembered. A closing to a place you once went. What if you don't want that door to close and think it too cold to open a window? It's gone and won't come back. That door has been slammed close no matter how much you try to pull it back open. You cry and try to say goodbye but feel as if you are betraying the memory of that which you have lost. You fear of losing what little you have left as time continues against your will. You can fight and grieve but with little solace. A happy ending it may be or a tragic one. Either way simply saying goodbye can be the hardest thing you ever have to do. Yet how much worse is it if you never get the chance? Smile and have joy for those happy moments they will now have though you may not be a part of them. Where is such joy found? Can it be sustained? Saying what you feel only gets you as far as words. One is never the same the moment after this one. We are constantly changing no matter how much we may not want to, or conversely, how much we wish for it to pass faster. Our losses make us stronger in a way that our joys do not, and vice versa. We are strengthened by both, simply in different ways. If we linger on that which will destroy us then there is nothing to be reaped from our suffering. We have to let go. Though it may feel like a betrayal of trust and love, it is not. Those things we have lost are now gone and for most cannot be retrieved again. Dwelling on that which is no more will not help nor offer any solace. Look to that which you still have for new joys and sorrows. Life, while it is ever changing, offers us new things each day to move us along and keep us going.
Live, for that which loves us would never wish death or destruction upon us. Share the joys and sorrows of others and bring a new purpose to your life.
Live.
Aside from that being a very good book (The Hidden I mean) it also describes the inner part of us that every person has and so few of us wish to acknowledge. Every one of us has an inner-self that rarely comes out. For those of you who write journals or truthfully blog you know what I’m talking about. When you write all these words that you may or may not have realized you felt come out into the light and you arte able to converse with your true heart. Mostly sad thoughts and heart felt pleading emerge and reach out for the nearest person that might care how you feel. But rarely are your pleas heard as they are seen only by your own eyes or those of people who do next to nothing to help but offer what little sympathy they can. Life is cruel blaming God won’t make things better, swearing your head off offers no solace. It’s as if all you could ever possibly do would never be enough to free you from the sorrow and loss and pain that fills your mind. Trapped by your own thoughts and your own heart.
Your cries are only heard by two. And feel the second could never help, could never save. He stands arms open waiting to comfort all the suffering of your mind but you close yourself from the world and anyone who might love you as you fell only betrayal comes from them. Would you open up to a friend, simply pour your hurts out, and allow another to share the pain that torments your heart? Whould you let others love you?
Well, a friend of mine coined that phrase but I think I have earned it use.
I was up at my cabin over the forth and we were fixing the shoreline as it had been pushed up by the ice again. Anyway, we were in the water and out all day, I was only in my one piece, and swim shorts. Therefore, by the end of the day I had a lovely ruby plate of armor on my back that quote "looked like a target!” So yeah, I was in pain for the remainder of the trip. My friend was less fortunate. He had been cleaning the shoreline at a camp he was working at and didn't have a shirt on. Long story short, he had third degree burns on his back and had to go to the hospital. While the other councilors felt bad for him at first after his mom told them to hit him over the head for his stupidity they felt less so. Anyway, that is my short for now as I am going to go finish some books.
Read The House by Frank Peretti if you are looking to be really freaked!
Enjoy and God Bless!
Enjoy!
Christ Rocks!
I just had to say that. I just got back from Extreme Faith camp (which everyone in the state of Minnesota should go to!) and WHOO! Man it was just awesome! I was on the prayer team and so was in the Adoration Chapel for the majority of the time. it was just so great being with Jesus for the majority of my day I just want to go back! Not only that but I was able to finally figure out what my calling is and so I am now super hyped and all for my future! While I'm a bit bummed at leaving all my new friends and the fact that after not having my bed for a week now I am going to go up to my cabin and so will not be able to sleep in it again. Oh Well. Anyhoo, I just wanted to have a happy shout out and re due my layout. God Bless all.
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