If you dare not there will be no memories." by Billbard (AllPoetry Member)

"Hold on Tight" and "Let the Children Come to Me"

So, my Grandpa passed away on Wednesday. There was a tumor the size of a football inside him and the doctors just couldn’t get it all out, that and it had progressed too far already for them to do much. My parents went down to be with my family in Florida. I prayed like mad that week, prayed that he would make it, that God would strengthen him to make it, to get better and recover. All things are possible through God right? We get what we pray for. Everyone down there seemed determined that there was nothing to be done, that he just had to let go and die. WHY? He could have made it! Just give him a chance! Have hope! Pray! My family is not very faith-filled sadly. I talked to my Grandma and when both her and my mom started saying how they just wanted him to let go, I felt so torn. WHY? He could make it! Just give him a chance! Have some faith! But I couldn’t help wondering if I was just being insanely selfish in wishing for him to recover and be healed. Is it really so wrong? I want to be able to see him again, to talk to him, to say how sorry I was for not really getting to know him, so many things … I just did want him to go. Was it selfish of me to beg God for that which is his? I …just … I don’t know. It’s over now, I let go, he is dead. I wasn’t there for any of it, so it really doesn’t feel quite real yet. I only cried maybe once or twice. I wanted to scream at them to have faith in him, in God that He is able to help and heal. But being the coward I am I could never speak those words to them. Was I wrong? Right? I may never know…does it even matter now? Sigh. Rest in peace Grandpa, go and please be with God now.

Amen

    A tiring week for everyone yet a bit off balanced for me because of my ski sections on Tuesday, which made me feel that Wednesday was Monday or some sort of thing like that. Two big papers due soon just finished one (English). History is being stupid as usual; our teacher keeps giving us pointless assignments that I don't see actually helping in anyway when the tests start rolling around.
    So two of my friends were hit by a city bus the other day, not much fun there because the one friend's car was totaled by it. It has been a bad week for her. The other won't stop talking about how they got hit by a bus, rather ironic because he always jokes about getting hit by one and now he has. Moral of the story watch what you joke about because it might just happen to you.

So it has been ages since I have actually written anything here. They weren't lying when they told us that junior year is the busiest. I have ski almost every night that goes late and then finals this week along with helping a friend with a movie. AHH! it just adds up to a very sleepy me. I need to go to bed I cannot even believe I’m writing this at 8:51 (wow we got back early from ski today). Late start tomorrow though YES! That means me sleeping in, or would have if it were not for said friend's movie editing that has been going on in my basement for the past three days. Oh well, such is life. I need to get some homework done ... and so we go...

Well school is now one eighth over only seven eighths to go.
I don't feel the least bit my grade, though. It's as though even though you get older you just don't feel that you are, except for the whole height thing.
A friend of mine got me into some speed rock and now I’m hooked. You guys should check it out. I really don't have much to say right now, I’m sick. There’s something. Read three it's cool. Well I guess that's enough.

Thees are just some funny little things from a cool comic that you should all read!
The comic is called Fallen cheak it out!
go to:http://www.fallencomic.com/index.html for the comic and more fun stuff like this!

A beautiful song. Man, I wish American singers could write such poetic lyrics . . .

Shizuka ni sora ni kaeru anata no sugata wo
what else can I do besides avenge you?
Namida ga kareru made zutto mitsumete ita
Your form which returns gently to heaven
What else can I do, besides avenge you?
I watched it for the longest time, until my tears dried up

 

Afureru kanashimi wa kese nai kizuato ni
Wasure wa shinai to chikatta

And the sorrow overflowing from the scar which can't be erased,
I swore that I would never forget it.

Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase
Subete wo keshsite mise you
Itsu no hi ka owari wo mukaeru
Saigo no kane ga nari yamu made
I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all some day, you'll see,
Until the last bell ringing the dirge completes.

 

You told me
live as if you were to die tomorrow
feel as if you were to be reborn now
face as if you were to live forever

 

Furueru yubi de akai namida wo nazotta
I had nothing to lose, nothing truth

Hakanai omoide ga yami ni ochite yuku
Bright red tears traced by a trembling finger,
I had nothing to lose, nothing to lose
It crashes through the dark memories.

 

Saigo no hohoemi ga ukandewa kieru
Nukumori dake wo nokoshite
The last smile wavered, and disappears,
And the warmth is all that's left.

 

Yasashii dake no kotoba nara
Ima no bokuha iyase nai
Hateshi naku tsuduku tatakai ni
Kono mi wo subete sasageru dake

Your kind and gentle words can't heal me now,
This body's only dedicated to the never ending fight.

 

Itsuka wa kono sora ni daremo ga kaeru kara
Wakare no kotoba wa ira nai
Break out!

Because everyone returns to heaven, some day,
You'll never need to say goodbye.

 

Oreta tsubasa wo habatakase
Subete wo keshite mise you
Itsu no hi ka owari wo mukaeru
Saigo no kane ga nari yamu made
I'll flap my broken wings and erase it all some day, you'll see,
Until the last bell ringing the dirge completes.

 

Yasashii dake no kotoba nara
Ima no bokuha iyase nai
Hateshi naku tsuduku tatakai ni
Kono mi wo subete sasageru dake

Your kind and gentle words can't heal me now,
This body's only dedicated to the never ending fight.

 

REDEMPTION...REDEMPTION...

 

Woot! I am now an archer!
I got my own bow and four arrows!

As all these entries start, I was once again thinking the other day (Wonderful isn't it? Thinking I mean.) and I was coming up with all the different types of good guy, bad guy situations that there are. I have, so far come up with about five.

The first, and most commonly known, is Black and white (for the purpose of simplicity we will use colors black=bad white=good). There is a definite bad guy that you are totally rooting against and there is a definite good guy that you want to win because he (for this discussion we will simply just use guys as it is easer that way and their pronouns are shorter) is the good guy. That is just how it works.

There is the second, and more commonly used one today, White and Black. Now I know what you're thinking "that is just he first one switched around", yes I know that but the positions have in fact changed. You see with this one it is the 'good guy' that is the black one and the 'bad guy' who is the white. This gives us our all time favorite anti-hero. He is not perfect, he has flaws (sometimes many) and it is harder for him to save the day as he has two opponents to contend with, his enemy and himself. He is the 'good guy' in black. There is the 'bad guy' in white who usually represents all the things that we might ever want in life (money, land, the whole nine yards) and he might even be seen as a good guy. He hands out some charity to little orphans and helps those under him. But then that character usually gets twisted at some point where the things of this world that we all want so badly finally taint his 'white' and his true colors come out. All the while our poor hero is struggling with himself and weather he has it in him to do what is right instead of simply coping out and quitting.

Next match up is a bit more interesting not to mention heart retching. White on white! This is where both sides (as far as we can tell) are right and just, or at least not all bad. These are the ones that make for good stories. You have the 'hero' you know he is trying to do the right thing and help people out but then you see that the 'villain' is doing the same thing simply in a different way. He isn't all bad. And you're just sitting there going "he's only human and not perfect" and you kind of get why the 'villain' did what he did. It may have seemed right at the time, he was lied to and used, who knows but you know that you really don't what him to die for it because it might have even been something you would have done. A classic case of right vs. right.

The next is something that doesn’t show much except in anime (as far as I have seen at least). Yes, that's right, black on black. The bad guys bad and so is the good. (I need only say the word Hellsing for some to know what I mean) This is where you get a case of choosing the lesser of two evils. The good guy is flawed enough that you can't be totally on his side but the bad guy is as well so you just go for the good for the sake of posterity. (Although I know some people who like those baddies . . .). It can be cool to watch as you're trying to find some hint of good in the characters so as to justify their actions.

The next is one that can be very up setting: grey. Yeah that's right just strait up grey. You don't know who's good and who's bad, heck there isn't even a hue visible. Everything is monotone gray and you are unsure as to what is going on and who is who. The ever popular 'line' is blurred and both sides mesh until you simply label it all bad for the sake of sanity, with the rational that good must be white and what is perfect with out blemish. While black is void. This one upsets us usually because it makes up question our position on the spectrum of life. Are we perfectly good, doubtful. However, we don't exactly go around killing innocent people now do we? So where does that leave us and our 'white' lies? That is for you to decide.

How does one move on? When there is something in your life for so long no matter how small a thing it maybe, it affects you. When it is gone, you notice its absence. A smile no longer there, a feeling that can now only be remembered. A closing to a place you once went. What if you don't want that door to close and think it too cold to open a window? It's gone and won't come back. That door has been slammed close no matter how much you try to pull it back open. You cry and try to say goodbye but feel as if you are betraying the memory of that which you have lost. You fear of losing what little you have left as time continues against your will. You can fight and grieve but with little solace. A happy ending it may be or a tragic one. Either way simply saying goodbye can be the hardest thing you ever have to do. Yet how much worse is it if you never get the chance? Smile and have joy for those happy moments they will now have though you may not be a part of them. Where is such joy found? Can it be sustained? Saying what you feel only gets you as far as words. One is never the same the moment after this one. We are constantly changing no matter how much we may not want to, or conversely, how much we wish for it to pass faster. Our losses make us stronger in a way that our joys do not, and vice versa. We are strengthened by both, simply in different ways. If we linger on that which will destroy us then there is nothing to be reaped from our suffering. We have to let go. Though it may feel like a betrayal of trust and love, it is not. Those things we have lost are now gone and for most cannot be retrieved again. Dwelling on that which is no more will not help nor offer any solace. Look to that which you still have for new joys and sorrows. Life, while it is ever changing, offers us new things each day to move us along and keep us going.
Live, for that which loves us would never wish death or destruction upon us. Share the joys and sorrows of others and bring a new purpose to your life.
Live.

Aside from that being a very good book (The Hidden I mean) it also describes the inner part of us that every person has and so few of us wish to acknowledge. Every one of us has an inner-self that rarely comes out. For those of you who write journals or truthfully blog you know what I’m talking about. When you write all these words that you may or may not have realized you felt come out into the light and you arte able to converse with your true heart. Mostly sad thoughts and heart felt pleading emerge and reach out for the nearest person that might care how you feel. But rarely are your pleas heard as they are seen only by your own eyes or those of people who do next to nothing to help but offer what little sympathy they can. Life is cruel blaming God won’t make things better, swearing your head off offers no solace. It’s as if all you could ever possibly do would never be enough to free you from the sorrow and loss and pain that fills your mind. Trapped by your own thoughts and your own heart.

Your cries are only heard by two.  And feel the second could never help, could never save. He stands arms open waiting to comfort all the suffering of your mind but you close yourself from the world and anyone who might love you as you fell only betrayal comes from them. Would you open up to a friend, simply pour your hurts out, and allow another to share the pain that torments your heart? Whould you let others love you?

I just got back from cleaning part of a highway and I must say I am truly shockd by the amont of littter that was there. I maen come on! Don't just throw your trash out the window save it for a garbage can! And if you want to chuch bottles and cans on to the grass here's a little tid bit: glass won't decompose completly until a MILLION YEARS LATER!!!!! Can are no better! Recycle people! Save a tree and some environmet here! You get payed for cans you know, $.05 per can here. so next time you are driving and think to just throw your coffie cup from Starbucks out the window, DON'T!
 

I can knit now!

Well, a friend of mine coined that phrase but I think I have earned it use.
I was up at my cabin over the forth and we were fixing the shoreline as it had been pushed up by the ice again. Anyway, we were in the water and out all day, I was only in my one piece, and swim shorts. Therefore, by the end of the day I had a lovely ruby plate of armor on my back that quote "looked like a target!” So yeah, I was in pain for the remainder of the trip. My friend was less fortunate. He had been cleaning the shoreline at a camp he was working at and didn't have a shirt on. Long story short, he had third degree burns on his back and had to go to the hospital. While the other councilors felt bad for him at first after his mom told them to hit him over the head for his stupidity they felt less so. Anyway, that is my short for now as I am going to go finish some books.
Read The House by Frank Peretti if you are looking to be really freaked!
Enjoy and God Bless!

Yo! Just finished a good book: Dark Star by: Creston Mapes. Go cheack it out as it has a plot that just keeps you going!
Enjoy!

Christ Rocks!
I just had to say that. I just got back from Extreme Faith camp (which everyone in the state of Minnesota should go to!) and WHOO! Man it was just awesome! I was on the prayer team and so was in the Adoration Chapel for the majority of the time. it was just so great being with Jesus for the majority of my day I just want to go back! Not only that but I was able to finally figure out what my calling is and so I am now super hyped and all for my future! While I'm a bit bummed at leaving all my new friends and the fact that after not having my bed for a week now I am going to go up to my cabin and so will not be able to sleep in it again. Oh Well. Anyhoo, I just wanted to have a happy shout out and re due my layout. God Bless all.

One act of kindness can change a life forever, as can one act of anger. The question which of the two will you bestow?

Well I finally gave in to the many people who kept telling me to get a myspace, so I did. You can cheack it out at : http://www.myspace.com/akariken
So yeah cheack it out, but I'm still only gunna blog here as I still don't like myspace's set up.
That it all.

 

To whom it may concern:

            A friend of mine and I have been having a big debate that may seem very trivial to some but I want to prove him wrong so: Is the ribbon on Cloud’s left arm in Advent Children pink or red? Think carefully and actually look this up if you are going to answer.

I say it’s pink but he claims it’s red. So yeah, tell me which you think it is.

welll my sister has now graduatied from high school and is going to be a jounior in College when she starts.
it dosen't feel like that school year is over. that fact that i have summer home work probably dosen't help but, i don't know.
Well hope everyone has a great summer. (sorry about the cruddyness of this entry.)